Spring Cleaning...

Between the beginning of the 2011 & now I've been quietly cleaning house in the background, you know... getting rid of the people who clearly mean me no good & focusing more on those closest to me. I'm all about positive reinforcement, people & surroundings nowadays, so I just don't have the time to deal with those who don't factor into that equation at the present the moment. I'm just about done so, good riddance to all who've been unproductive pests, the role you've played (or haven't) in my life is now complete :-D

[Old News:]

Much like perishable food items, some friends/associates also have expiration dates. These individuals could be those special people you have a 'history' with, or simply childhood friends who need to remain just that. Often times they've been extremely fun to be around, so it's easy to overlook the fact that things have changed. Still, it's important to keep an eye on who's been around beyond their expected shelf-life & make the necessary cut-backs when required. In my mind it's better to cut ties with 'em now, rather than continue the absolute weirdness of the current experience.

[Toxic Agents:]

I feel like there are some people who just come out the womb with nothing but evil intentions for the world. They're just no-good. I've got an ex-girlfriend who for the life of me will not get lost! She remains present for 1 reason only, to haunt me, lmao. What she has to offer could benefit me in no way, shape, or form. This time I've finally abstained. C'mon, you too know these kind of people, they aren't really here, but they won't truly leave either. Well, I've finally kicked these people to the curb - haven't bothered to look back either, that would slow me down.

[Takers:]

Some are rather skilled at accepting, but not so well-versed in the art of giving. Recently someone went missing in action on me after receiving a loan. No visits, calls, texts, emails or anything regarding the delayed repayment (or 'perceived' friendship for that matter). Funny thing is, I never loan money I can't afford to lose, so the bread ain't an issue since I gladly would've extended the loan indefinitely, but the avoidance tactic bugs me. But I've already mentally written it off as a gift & beyond today's post, there will never be mention of it again. Needless to say, bridges such as these must be burned... to the ground.

[Undecided:]

Then there are those who I'm just not sure about. They've displayed no obvious character flaws from the outset, but for whatever reason, they haven't let me in either. Not a move I'd encourage - you see, I don't open up to anyone who isn't reciprocating the very same action, so in reality, the only time being wasted is theirs. Besides, it'll soon become clear, whether they belong in 1 of the groups described above or below this section.

[Outer Ring:]

My collection of friends/associates who are indeed good people, just not the folk I'd interact with on a daily/weekly basis. They're cool enough to hit happy hour with, but haven't demonstrated the dependable characteristics required for me to completely endear myself. I probably wouldn't invite 'em to the spot, nor would I seek advice from this set of friends beyond anything trivial in nature. But thats not to suggest I don't serve in such a capacity on their behalves, because I do! But I'm not surprised when members of this group let me down - it's life, shit happens.

[Inner Circle:]

On the other hand, there have been those who've done nothing but support my every move & who have always been there. It's these people I know I can truly count on & it feels SO good to know they'll always be the wind at my back & not the spit in my face like so many others. Spring cleaning activities such as this, make me appreciate them all the more! Truly good friends are few in number, I understand this perfectly now.

[Family:]

Ahhh... the only group whose membership I don't control. But at the end of each day, these people inspire & encourage me to move beyond life's troubles & setbacks. The love they extend is a genuine, unwavering affection & serves as affirmation of the fact that it's NOT all about me. I think we get what we put-out into the world & I come from a family of pleasers, so it makes perfect sense that everyone in the fam is doing well. I'm definitely sticking with the flow.

In conclusion, I'm certain some people (those who actually know me) are reading this & scrambling to figure out just where they fall with respect to each of the groups listed above. To those, my suggestion is simple - cut the bullshit, you know exactly where we stand & quite obviously, so do I...

Frontrunner...

I get alot of thinking done when I run & believe me when I tell you, it's quite therapeutic in so many ways. If only I could somehow figure a way to write as I run. Sometimes I take specific notice of the various obstacles I encounter along my route.

While completing today's route I battled potholes, stoplights, a few distractions, fatigue & exhaustion before experiencing the ultimate exhilaration of crossing the finish line. But today I thought of how my jog route somewhat parallels life & people in general.

Potholes...

When taking to the streets for a run, I've gotta watch out for uneven portions of the pavement, sidewalks & so-fourth. They're not difficult to avoid, but if I'm not aware, they can cause damage & inflict serious pain.

Certain people are potholes - you know the nuisances who re-surface in your life from time to time & just as quickly as they show, they disappear again? Ummm, yea... try & avoid those altogether nowadays.

Stop-Lights...

Sometimes right when I get into a good groove, a stop-light interrupts my flow & on-the-spot adjustments must be made to avoid the danger of negligent/aggressive drivers. For purposes of this post, I'll associate stop-lights with my haters.

No runner enjoys the idea of compensating for the loss of time during a run, it's unproductive. The secret seems to be keeping my head on a swivel & perfectly timing my approaches towards intersections, then I can gracefully glide thru the bull-shit... I try & employ similar methodology when dealing with those aforementioned haters - Oh I see y'all lookin' witcha lookin-asses, lol.

Distractions...

Sometimes various things along the route capture my attention & I momentarily lose focus, I HATE that. Things like dogs (or really, it's their absent-minded owners), music playlist errors, 'cougars' & wardrobe malfunctions all are examples of things that take my mind off the pace I've set for myself & at times, I've gotta mentally slap myself just to regain the focus, lol.

I've got 1 or 2 people that come to mind who would fit the description above. Somehow I allow 'em to remain wirelessly connected to my life, when all the while I know any time spent with such company is, in reality, a waste of my time. More importantly, it prevents what might otherwise be a meaningful encounter with someone else. I'm still working on this one, maybe I require a few 'actual' slaps in such cases, lol...

Fatigue/Exhaustion...

-Fatigue comes into play about halfway thru, so I dial it back a bit to ensure I complete the 2.8 mile route without walking. Adrenaline carries me thru much of my run, but somewhere near the 2 mile mark, I can feel my body losing form. The whole 'mind telling your body that its not tired' bit has always fascinated me, so its here I like to use a few tricks I've picked up to help battle exhaustion long enough to get to the finish.

-Perhaps I'd be better served to employ a similar approach when my social relationships begin to fatigue. When dealing with women in general, the initial excitement of someone new gets me thru the 1st few months or so, but when things aren't progressing as smoothly as I'd like, again, I feel myself losing form. In life, I haven't always finished the run though & I realize that. But now, I've gotten my cardio levels where they need to be & I'm ready for whatever.

Finally, the Finish Line...

Typically upon approaching the final 0.3 miles of my route, a sense of relief & excitement overcomes me. It's at this point, the RunKeeper app installed on my cell phone fades the headphone music level & spits out 1 last update of my current pace & distance traveled stats. I'm never satisfied with this info, so I give it a final push in an attempt to salvage a better mile-split average before finishing the route.

In the great race of life, there doesn't really seem to be a finish line, per se. People change their minds, circumstances/situations evolve & yes, people DO fall out of love. In essence, I guess most are never satisfied with their current stats. But that's a good thing in my mind as complacency often signifies the lack of drive & determination. The lack of a visible finish line can't stop me from littering the route with plenty of conquests & achievements along the way... & it won't.

Sour Grapes...

Today marks a year since Vam has been gone from this world (in the physical sense anyway), and though I'm growing more accustomed with the fact that she's no longer here, I feel the void within my heart will remain for quite some time to come, if not always.

It's not that I feel there were things left unsaid or anything like that. Hell, Vam knew damn-well just how much I loved her & I never once felt those sentiments weren't reciprocated on her part... I just miss her.

Vam always enjoyed celebrating birthdays - her own as well as each of her closest friends' special days. In keeping with that spirit, a few of VAM's closest friends, including my brother & I, will be gathering Sunday morning to visit her gravesite & have breakfast in downtown DC afterwards. I look forward to breakfast, but not so much the cemetery.

In a year's time, I still haven't been able to visit her grave, partly because I KNOW she's not really in there, another part of me just doesn't want to realize the finality that seeing her headstone might bring. I'm hoping visiting her grave along side of friends & family will make things a bit easier to deal with...

I know you're still with us Vam, I can feel you everyday. Continue to look over us as we await the day we'll all be together once more I love you...

The B Side...

I'm back people - guess I took somewhat of an extended birthday break. But uh... not much goin' on. I've got a new distraction (if you know what I mean), but outside of that I'm still side-steppin' bitter bitches, showin' fake niggaz how it's done & payin the Goddamn bills - who da fuck gon' check me?!?

Lol, sike nah - forreal tho I'm hangin in here. Still don't understand alot about this world (more specifically, the people in it), but as a life-long pessimist, I've actually been able to sit back & feel positive about things for once. I'm extremely blessed & thankful for my modest, humble position in life, but to be completely honest, I still don't know what the fuck to do with such a gift.

You know how they say good guys never win? I've always kinda felt that way. Let's be real here, I'm a healthy, employed, heterosexual, black man (in the prime of his life) with a decent education & no children or significant other of any relevance in the picture. Suffice it to say I'm a pretty high commodity in terms of the typical black woman & her 'plight' for adequate companionship in this cold, cold world (at least according to CNN, lol).

Now imagine the disappointment of not having ONE woman step to the plate & claim what's rightfully hers? C'mon not ONE woman? That must make me one hell of a jerk, huh? Lol, but it's not a big deal to me anymore like it used to be. You see, at the end of the day, those women didn't want me & judging by the same lack of determination on my part, I didn't quite hold my end of the bargain either. So I can only forgive them & I truly wish them nothing but the best.

When it comes to the women I've found myself involved with over the years, they're all really quite different from one another. Still, one thing they all shared in common was their doubt of my ability to walk a away from it all. Some of those choices turned out to be good ones, while others were lesser moments in life. But they were all choices nonetheless & I stand by each.

Life's not so much about gettin the things you don't have, but rather being patient, appreciative & creative with the things or people before you. It took me a while to learn that, but nowadays the people who are an active part my life get my full & undivided attention. If you're not around, perhaps your part has been played, or maybe you were just an outright bitch, lol - in either instance, I've got myself a date with destiny. I'm sure you understand...

Feature Friday: Explore My Heart

It's my goal to post a Feature Friday blog the 1st Friday of each month. Any good literary, vocal or otherwise artistic works you'd like to see shared? Perhaps you've got some good stuff yourself. If so, shoot me an email at Ghostwriter28@me.com & I'd be glad to post it.

This week's selection comes courtesy of the late Velenda Anise Mason, a very close friend & confidant for many years. I thought I'd share two passages from 'Explore My Heart,' a book she published in 2008. Vam's birthday is next week, she would have been 30 and Tuesday marks the anniversary of her sudden death. In light of the fact, I figured it would be very appropriate to share a few of her thoughts this month. The 1st excerpt from her book focuses on infatuation versus love & the 2nd touches upon appreciating loved ones while they're still here to actually smell the flowers...

"I've been lucky in my fourteen years of dating to

experience real love more than once. It is a beautiful

experience and I would not trade it for the world.

I want young men and women to learn the difference

between infatuation and love. It is a job and it takes

compromise and sacrifice but it is well worth it. I have

gone through enough in my lifetime to know a thing

or two. Just know that with faith anything can happen...

...appreciate your family and friends while you still

have them here. You really don't know when you will

see somebody for the last time. It is a terrible feeling to

think of all the things you could have or should have done.

Besides you are going to find a small amount of people

who care about you and your well-being."

It's my hope that someone, somewhere will read her words and somehow find comfort in knowing that others too have struggled, it's certainly nothing new so try your best to maintain a clear mind. Above all, be-strong, live-wise & play-hard good people...