Thinking of You...

Hey VAM,

While sitting at my desk a few hours back, I couldn't help but constantly think of you on your birthday - so fuck-it, I left. Now I'm back in my car after having just visited your grave for a bit. I played Erykah's "Gone Baby, Don't be Long," a moment ago - never seemed more appropriate than now.

I know it was one of your favorite songs from her. Now I'm playing John Mayer's "Gravity," we both loved that one! Interestingly, this one's appropriate too - but you know all about that, lol. As far as the news goes, Teacy's having a baby girl any day now, & guess what she's gonna name her??? Anise!

She's gonna know so much about the woman she's named after, I'll make sure of it! Oh & Shaun is still VERY much in love with being a daddy. From what I can see, he's a good one too - you'd be proud of him. He's doing all of the right things. Avril seems to be doing well. We don't communicate often, but from what I can tell, she's enjoying life, so I'm happy for her!

Speaking of the old gang, most of us will be gathering for your birthday dinner tonight. We still haven't missed a dinner since keeping the dinner reservations you set just days before your passing 2 years back. So that'll make tonight our 3rd birthday dinner in celebration of your life, doesn't seem this new tradition will change anytime soon, but your friend's birthdays were always so important to you, so I'm all for keeping the dinners going.

Over the past few days at home I kept glancing across the bedroom at a letter I'd avoided opening since Christmas. I certainly never intended to wait so long, but later tuned into the next day, the next day became next week, before I knew it, a month had passed & well... life happened. This morning I opened it.

The letter was from your mother, each time I looked at the letter over the past 3 months, I'd notice your mother's handwriting - its very similar to your own penmanship, perhaps that's part of the reason I found it so difficult to open. It was a Christmas card she'd personalized to both my brother & I.

In case you're wondering he's doing ok, he tries not to show how your sudden passing affects him still, but it's rather clear to me - he misses the hell out of you, we both do! I'll be sure to touch base with your mother in the coming days - perhaps I'll give her a call today.

As for me my dear friend, I struggle daily with your leaving. Though I know you'd very much disapprove, it's made me a cold & rather impatient person. Sometimes I can't help but to think you took a part of me with you when you had to leave, it certainly feels that way - haven't been the same since.

But I'm trying... it's difficult to replace even half of all the love you showed me over the years as my friend, & I doubt I'll ever come close in that regard - but again, I'm trying... to be strong, to keep an open & receptive heart, to see beyond the short-comings of people, shit - just to be more like you.

I love you VAM, always have, always will - Happy 31st.

Sour Grapes...

Today marks a year since Vam has been gone from this world (in the physical sense anyway), and though I'm growing more accustomed with the fact that she's no longer here, I feel the void within my heart will remain for quite some time to come, if not always.

It's not that I feel there were things left unsaid or anything like that. Hell, Vam knew damn-well just how much I loved her & I never once felt those sentiments weren't reciprocated on her part... I just miss her.

Vam always enjoyed celebrating birthdays - her own as well as each of her closest friends' special days. In keeping with that spirit, a few of VAM's closest friends, including my brother & I, will be gathering Sunday morning to visit her gravesite & have breakfast in downtown DC afterwards. I look forward to breakfast, but not so much the cemetery.

In a year's time, I still haven't been able to visit her grave, partly because I KNOW she's not really in there, another part of me just doesn't want to realize the finality that seeing her headstone might bring. I'm hoping visiting her grave along side of friends & family will make things a bit easier to deal with...

I know you're still with us Vam, I can feel you everyday. Continue to look over us as we await the day we'll all be together once more I love you...

Feature Friday: Explore My Heart

It's my goal to post a Feature Friday blog the 1st Friday of each month. Any good literary, vocal or otherwise artistic works you'd like to see shared? Perhaps you've got some good stuff yourself. If so, shoot me an email at Ghostwriter28@me.com & I'd be glad to post it.

This week's selection comes courtesy of the late Velenda Anise Mason, a very close friend & confidant for many years. I thought I'd share two passages from 'Explore My Heart,' a book she published in 2008. Vam's birthday is next week, she would have been 30 and Tuesday marks the anniversary of her sudden death. In light of the fact, I figured it would be very appropriate to share a few of her thoughts this month. The 1st excerpt from her book focuses on infatuation versus love & the 2nd touches upon appreciating loved ones while they're still here to actually smell the flowers...

"I've been lucky in my fourteen years of dating to

experience real love more than once. It is a beautiful

experience and I would not trade it for the world.

I want young men and women to learn the difference

between infatuation and love. It is a job and it takes

compromise and sacrifice but it is well worth it. I have

gone through enough in my lifetime to know a thing

or two. Just know that with faith anything can happen...

...appreciate your family and friends while you still

have them here. You really don't know when you will

see somebody for the last time. It is a terrible feeling to

think of all the things you could have or should have done.

Besides you are going to find a small amount of people

who care about you and your well-being."

It's my hope that someone, somewhere will read her words and somehow find comfort in knowing that others too have struggled, it's certainly nothing new so try your best to maintain a clear mind. Above all, be-strong, live-wise & play-hard good people...