Thinking of You...

Hey VAM,

While sitting at my desk a few hours back, I couldn't help but constantly think of you on your birthday - so fuck-it, I left. Now I'm back in my car after having just visited your grave for a bit. I played Erykah's "Gone Baby, Don't be Long," a moment ago - never seemed more appropriate than now.

I know it was one of your favorite songs from her. Now I'm playing John Mayer's "Gravity," we both loved that one! Interestingly, this one's appropriate too - but you know all about that, lol. As far as the news goes, Teacy's having a baby girl any day now, & guess what she's gonna name her??? Anise!

She's gonna know so much about the woman she's named after, I'll make sure of it! Oh & Shaun is still VERY much in love with being a daddy. From what I can see, he's a good one too - you'd be proud of him. He's doing all of the right things. Avril seems to be doing well. We don't communicate often, but from what I can tell, she's enjoying life, so I'm happy for her!

Speaking of the old gang, most of us will be gathering for your birthday dinner tonight. We still haven't missed a dinner since keeping the dinner reservations you set just days before your passing 2 years back. So that'll make tonight our 3rd birthday dinner in celebration of your life, doesn't seem this new tradition will change anytime soon, but your friend's birthdays were always so important to you, so I'm all for keeping the dinners going.

Over the past few days at home I kept glancing across the bedroom at a letter I'd avoided opening since Christmas. I certainly never intended to wait so long, but later tuned into the next day, the next day became next week, before I knew it, a month had passed & well... life happened. This morning I opened it.

The letter was from your mother, each time I looked at the letter over the past 3 months, I'd notice your mother's handwriting - its very similar to your own penmanship, perhaps that's part of the reason I found it so difficult to open. It was a Christmas card she'd personalized to both my brother & I.

In case you're wondering he's doing ok, he tries not to show how your sudden passing affects him still, but it's rather clear to me - he misses the hell out of you, we both do! I'll be sure to touch base with your mother in the coming days - perhaps I'll give her a call today.

As for me my dear friend, I struggle daily with your leaving. Though I know you'd very much disapprove, it's made me a cold & rather impatient person. Sometimes I can't help but to think you took a part of me with you when you had to leave, it certainly feels that way - haven't been the same since.

But I'm trying... it's difficult to replace even half of all the love you showed me over the years as my friend, & I doubt I'll ever come close in that regard - but again, I'm trying... to be strong, to keep an open & receptive heart, to see beyond the short-comings of people, shit - just to be more like you.

I love you VAM, always have, always will - Happy 31st.

Who?

Welp... it's official - my 85 year-old grandmother no longer recalls who I am. Its not that I didn't see it coming, just a little saddened by it all. On Monday, I stopped by the nursing home (with my father) to visit her, a task normally performed each week by my mother. But she's in Africa this week, so the job fell to my father & I during her absence.

The last time I saw Gramma was Christmas Day. It was then I realized many of the things & people she loved would soon be locked away in some hidden corner of her mind. I often wonder how frightening an experience it must be for her & whether it'll become more or less terrifying as her state of dementia progresses.

Unfamiliar surroundings, strangers coming & going; all professing to know things about you, the home you recall - nowhere in sight... how agonizing it must be to realize you can't make sense of 'anything' around you. If you ask me, I'd say, "that's a pretty fucked-up way to go."

It's ironic, when people we love experience conditions such as dementia, or any disease, we often selfishly consider ourselves the victims, sometimes even more than our loved ones! Exorbitant assisted living costs, rising medication bills, outrageous insurance premiums - I know... poor-poor us left holding the God-damned bag, lol.

Granted, no one looks forward to shelling-out their hard-earned money to a less-than-deserving healthcare staff or to an insurance company only concerned with the bottom line, but it's a necessary evil right about now & there really doesn't seem to be any way around it.

Suck it up! After all, what else can we really do? As I look deeper into my own situation, I realize I've got to do this at least 2 more times when my parents reach their twilight years. Might as well look at this as an opportunity to observe what does & doesn't work (when it comes to elderly care) in the hope that I can provide the best quality of life possible for the duration of their respective lifetimes...

The Help...

A good friend of mine mentioned that she was reading 'The Help' (by Kathryn Stockett) & I told her I still hadn't seen the movie, then she added that the book was much better (as is often the case with books made into movies), so I said I'd read chapter 1 for free & buy the rest of the ebook if I got hooked - well, I got hooked. Ended up buying the rest of the book that very same night, lol.

A very interesting read so far. The inhumane way blacks were treated, despite the fact that they played such pivotal roles in the rearing of SO many white children truly amazes me. The arrogant sense of entitlement shared by so many whites during that time period is almost too much for me to stomach at times.

But I've enjoyed the character development thus far & must say that I really like reading about both - the whites who ignored current trends & treated blacks with the respect they deserved, as well as the black maids who cared for these white children SO much even though anger & resentment could've easily led them to do otherwise.

I've wanted to see the movie for some time now & this book only makes me more anxious to watch it & do a compare/contrast between the book & film. I'm currently reading the Steve Jobs biography as well & though I really HATE reading two books at 1 time, both are two I can't seem to put down at the moment.

I'll be sure to update this post with my final impressions, once I'm finished reading - hell, perhaps I'll review the Jobs book as well at that time...