Day One...

Ok, so yesterday my daily smoke limit finally decreased from 1 to 0, & I'm pretty proud that I was able to make it thru my 1st day without smoking in God knows how many years. I was pretty nervous about how I'd get thru lunch without a smoke break, but even after my meal, it wasn't so bad. As of February 13th, I can say that I've officially quit - now comes the new challenge of staying quit!

I've been coping with down-time better, for instance, driving to various destinations (even to/from work during rush hours) without lighting up, meaning no more ashes in the car or frequent pitstops to buy smokes - definitely positive & welcomed lifestyle changes. I've even managed to somewhat disassociate hard liquor consumption & smoking from 1 another, so I'm no longer afraid to drink, although I'll continue to limit my drinking for the time being.

I must admit, having a real sponsor is making things much easier, & I expect I'll be needing her services alot more in the coming days - hope she doesn't go MIA during any moments of weakness. Until this point, she's been spot-on with advice and suggestions on how to distract myself whenever I'm craving a smoke. Glad I decided to share my efforts to quit with someone else, makes it so much harder to cheat when I have to be accountable.

I've always been rather guarded & private with any new endeavors I chose to take-on, so sharing a commitment like this with someone was definitely a new approach for me. If this were a perfect world, I'd marry my sponsor, no seriously - I would. She reminds me alot of my mother, in that, when she nags - I feel obligated to comply, but I'd NEVER tell her that for obvious reasons, lmao.

It took me 40 days to go from an average of about 6-7 smokes a day to none, & you know what? I'm pretty fuckin impressed with myself too - haven't even been using the e-cigarette either! With a lil support, guess it was just the right time for me to start exercising a little mind over matter. I'll be sure to post another update next month (whether I've fallen off the horse, or not, lol) - wish me luck!

In the Spirit of Valentines Day...

...I thought I'd take some time to post about love of course. Knowing what I now do about relationships & love, mainly 1 woman of my past comes to mind. She truly loved me, even despite my various faults & weaknesses. Looking back, I could always rely upon Ms. Washington, yet I wouldn't come to realize it until later in life. It definitely hurt her alot when I decided to move on, it's something I used to really hate myself for. That was a point in my life when I honestly didn't have a clue what a good women entailed & though I'd do anything to change certain things about the past... I can't - I've since come to accept that.

Sadly, many of the very same superficial trappings that caused me to give up such a woman in the 1st place, led to numerous errors in judgement in regard to the various romantic relationships I would pursue over the next decade - all of which, ended in absolute disaster. Let's just call it... lack of foresight, lol. During those years I actually thought I could make women grow to love me, when in reality, their feelings for me were, at best, luke-warm. As a result, I'd even allow some of these women to enter/exit my life as they pleased, all the while hoping that at some point, they'd see in me, what I thought I'd already seen in each of them.

I know... a rather idiotic approach indeed, but I've never been above humiliating myself all in the name of love & that's what I perceived myself to be doing at the time. I put so much effort into trying to get these women to feel what they didn't, that in time, I forgot to love myself. To be clear, in NO way do I blame any of these women for my bad judgment in character, but collectively speaking, they simply weren't the right women for me & I clearly wasnt the man for any of them. Still, I recognize what I contributed to each failed attempt, so at the end of the day, the blame most definitely lies with me & I've got no equivocations about owning it either.

Quite frankly, it used to be really hard sitting around, picking up the shattered pieces among me, but I've come to learn that those are the breaks in life - fuckit. At any rate, I've paid the shit outta my dues & at this point, I feel my debts to Ms. Washington & society as a whole, have all been paid in full, lol. After more than 10 years of erratic emotional swings, I've gotten past most things & it's much easier to move forward with life. Jaded as this heart may be towards idea of love, I still yearn for it, so I could never give-up the possibility of it. What's next for me? Hell if I know. In the meantime, I'll continue to be the best me I can be, so that I'm ready when she reveals herself & despite the luck I've had in recent years, I know that she will.

Guess I'll end on that (I'll clean-up any typos later), enjoy the special day couples! To those of you with hearts in need of repair - remember to feed it, don't starve it...