Monday, February 13, 2012

In the Spirit of Valentines Day...

...I thought I'd take some time to post about love of course. Knowing what I now do about relationships & love, mainly 1 woman of my past comes to mind. She truly loved me, even despite my various faults & weaknesses. Looking back, I could always rely upon Ms. Washington, yet I wouldn't come to realize it until later in life. It definitely hurt her alot when I decided to move on, it's something I used to really hate myself for. That was a point in my life when I honestly didn't have a clue what a good women entailed & though I'd do anything to change certain things about the past... I can't - I've since come to accept that.

Sadly, many of the very same superficial trappings that caused me to give up such a woman in the 1st place, led to numerous errors in judgement in regard to the various romantic relationships I would pursue over the next decade - all of which, ended in absolute disaster. Let's just call it... lack of foresight, lol. During those years I actually thought I could make women grow to love me, when in reality, their feelings for me were, at best, luke-warm. As a result, I'd even allow some of these women to enter/exit my life as they pleased, all the while hoping that at some point, they'd see in me, what I thought I'd already seen in each of them.

I know... a rather idiotic approach indeed, but I've never been above humiliating myself all in the name of love & that's what I perceived myself to be doing at the time. I put so much effort into trying to get these women to feel what they didn't, that in time, I forgot to love myself. To be clear, in NO way do I blame any of these women for my bad judgment in character, but collectively speaking, they simply weren't the right women for me & I clearly wasnt the man for any of them. Still, I recognize what I contributed to each failed attempt, so at the end of the day, the blame most definitely lies with me & I've got no equivocations about owning it either.

Quite frankly, it used to be really hard sitting around, picking up the shattered pieces among me, but I've come to learn that those are the breaks in life - fuckit. At any rate, I've paid the shit outta my dues & at this point, I feel my debts to Ms. Washington & society as a whole, have all been paid in full, lol. After more than 10 years of erratic emotional swings, I've gotten past most things & it's much easier to move forward with life. Jaded as this heart may be towards idea of love, I still yearn for it, so I could never give-up the possibility of it. What's next for me? Hell if I know. In the meantime, I'll continue to be the best me I can be, so that I'm ready when she reveals herself & despite the luck I've had in recent years, I know that she will.

Guess I'll end on that (I'll clean-up any typos later), enjoy the special day couples! To those of you with hearts in need of repair - remember to feed it, don't starve it...