Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Thinking of You...

Hey VAM,

While sitting at my desk a few hours back, I couldn't help but constantly think of you on your birthday - so fuck-it, I left. Now I'm back in my car after having just visited your grave for a bit. I played Erykah's "Gone Baby, Don't be Long," a moment ago - never seemed more appropriate than now.

I know it was one of your favorite songs from her. Now I'm playing John Mayer's "Gravity," we both loved that one! Interestingly, this one's appropriate too - but you know all about that, lol. As far as the news goes, Teacy's having a baby girl any day now, & guess what she's gonna name her??? Anise!

She's gonna know so much about the woman she's named after, I'll make sure of it! Oh & Shaun is still VERY much in love with being a daddy. From what I can see, he's a good one too - you'd be proud of him. He's doing all of the right things. Avril seems to be doing well. We don't communicate often, but from what I can tell, she's enjoying life, so I'm happy for her!

Speaking of the old gang, most of us will be gathering for your birthday dinner tonight. We still haven't missed a dinner since keeping the dinner reservations you set just days before your passing 2 years back. So that'll make tonight our 3rd birthday dinner in celebration of your life, doesn't seem this new tradition will change anytime soon, but your friend's birthdays were always so important to you, so I'm all for keeping the dinners going.

Over the past few days at home I kept glancing across the bedroom at a letter I'd avoided opening since Christmas. I certainly never intended to wait so long, but later tuned into the next day, the next day became next week, before I knew it, a month had passed & well... life happened. This morning I opened it.

The letter was from your mother, each time I looked at the letter over the past 3 months, I'd notice your mother's handwriting - its very similar to your own penmanship, perhaps that's part of the reason I found it so difficult to open. It was a Christmas card she'd personalized to both my brother & I.

In case you're wondering he's doing ok, he tries not to show how your sudden passing affects him still, but it's rather clear to me - he misses the hell out of you, we both do! I'll be sure to touch base with your mother in the coming days - perhaps I'll give her a call today.

As for me my dear friend, I struggle daily with your leaving. Though I know you'd very much disapprove, it's made me a cold & rather impatient person. Sometimes I can't help but to think you took a part of me with you when you had to leave, it certainly feels that way - haven't been the same since.

But I'm trying... it's difficult to replace even half of all the love you showed me over the years as my friend, & I doubt I'll ever come close in that regard - but again, I'm trying... to be strong, to keep an open & receptive heart, to see beyond the short-comings of people, shit - just to be more like you.

I love you VAM, always have, always will - Happy 31st.