3rd Time's the Charm...

Since I started blogging back in 2010, I've posted about my intent to kick my habit of smoking twice -- I think maybe this 3rd time might actually be the real deal. It's now been 65 days since I last toked on a tobacco product of any sort & it feels great! No need to crack the window while driving anymore & no more ashes to clean up :-)

I've also noticed increased lung capacity while jogging or working out & according to my Livestrong Quit Smoking app, I've managed to save over $170. Better health & more money - who wouldn't welcome those results? Can't really say what it was that was different this time - I just know that it is.

I'm eating better too - an unintended byproduct, but welcomed all the same! Sadly, it costs a fortune to eat healthy in this country, but it's difficult to clean up my life in 1 regard without also focusing on other problem areas as well - so I'm leading a few projects right now, major renovations taking place over here.

Ironically, some of the very people who'd be most please with my progress have been absent in many regards. So for the most part, I'll alone reap the benefits while patting my own back. No worries tho, folk on the cusp of greatness often feel alienated, so I figure that means I'm on the right path.

I started with 2 quit coaches this go round, but due to 1 friend's recent move to another state, I'm down to just 1 who actually keeps me accountable. But Coach is a good coach who celebrates my accomplishments along with me & so far that's made a huge difference! I definitely need the crack of a whip at times.

Tomorrow, I head to the dentist for a major procedure I'd been putting off (until I could finally stay quit), another positive aspect of my newfound discipline. For the most part, my cravings are a thing of the past. It's not on my mind when I awake & I'm finding other things to do with my down time & idle hands.

I'm even able to drink alcohol & be around others who are smoking... something I never had the strength to handle without falling off the horse before. For this reason, I really do think I've finally turned the corner! Only thing left to do now is wait it out to see how long I can go.

Valiant, Even in Defeat...

On the singles circuit again... I fuckin' hate it here, so admittedly, I'd hoped to somehow salvage my most recent courtship, but the desire to fight for us wasn't at all evident in my eyes. Nothing discourages me more than the dreaded too cool for school act. That being said, I'm just not willing to stand-alone in battle these days.

It's usually quite easy to pull from any finite relationship just what I've learned & which mistakes I should vow never to repeat. But I'm not sure of what to take from this instance. I don't know what I could have done differently, nor do I know how I could have been more accommodating of circumstances.

In what I can only imagine to be a self-defense mechanism of sorts, I never fully gained her confidence. I guess we truly are the sum total of our experiences. It's like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop all along. The final kick in the head? Learning I didn't make her feel like a priority.

I never inquired just what brought her to that conclusion. In truth, it didn't matter - what mattered was I immediately felt disengaged. Needless to say, we concluded the romantic portion of our friendship. She was dug-into certain insecurities, so it's likely there was nothing I could've done to reshape her feelings anyway.

At the end of the day, I wasn't willing to wait & she wasn't ready to share. Do I regret it? Not really. I took a chance at greatness & for a shot at eternal love, I'll dive-in, head first, each & every time. Maybe my persistence will pay-off, or maybe I'm destined for a lifetime of disappointment, who knows?

In either case, I'm a fighter. I won't allow myself to become jaded & I won't stop looking for her - I've got big plans for the 2 of us, besides... won't she & I have a grand ol' story to tell 1 day; an epic tale, complete with superheroes, heroines, buckets of tears, loads of laughter & of course - the guy gets the girl in the end :-)

New Math...

Based upon some limited research I've done, studies show secret relationships can be associated with less commitment, limiting the relationship’s feelings of intimacy & connection. Alas, the truth shall come to light & as is with any investigation, anomalies can easily be detected once aware of what to look for - what is it they say? "Hindsight is 20/20."

I'm not certain when compromise came to mean resting comfortably within one's zone (risking little to nothing), all the while expecting the world to appear at his or her feet, but that's what people do. Guess what else I've learned? We're allowed to play victim when called-out on our bullsh!t, long story-short... taking accountability for one's actions (or inaction) is optional now :-)

Sarcasm aside, perhaps having one's cake & eating it too is now the way of the world. We want people to accept us for who we are although we rarely portray ourselves to be such people at the outset of a given courtship. Instead, we wrestle with our hang-ups & phobias in solitude, then become offended when questioned - like it or not, that's the pattern.

Collectively, we're inwardly critical, easily disengaged & intimately withdrawn... sh!t, no wonder there aren't volunteers lined up to fix the broken people we've allowed ourselves to become. Prolonged secrecy kills the idea of trust & quite effectively too! Who knows? Maybe this is by design for some, the one's who ironically, fear success.

But if you're truly trying to salvage a relationship or better yet, start one off on equal footing, my advice is to share, share & share. When you're both done with that... share some more! Nobody likes to learn of previously undisclosed terms, it's akin to being tricked. More often than not, the blindsided party walks - for you see... that too is the way of the world.

"I belong to a people so wounded by betrayal, so hurt by misplacing their trust, that to offer us a gift of love is often to risk one's life, certainly one's name and reputation." (Alice Walker)