Sunday, August 1, 2010

Just kick me while I'm down, why don't you?

A good friend of mine recently sent me a photo of her son putting on his football uniform for the 1st time (helmet & all). And though there's no way she could've known this about me since I'm rather guarded when it comes to my emotions, the shit honestly kinda killed me inside. Having children & raising a family has always been something I've looked forward to in life. Yet time after time it's either been the wrong person, a bad situation or mother nature stepping in & taking care of things all on her own.

Though it's certainly not a forgone conclusion, ain't shit poppin right now in that regard. You see, the thing about having children and starting families is that BOTH parties have to be extremely interested in the idea or very carless in preventing such an outcome. Unfortunately, I haven't had the privilege of either instance very often.

Alas, everything ain't for everybody, but I just know I'd be great at it. After all, I had a great example of both a husband as well as a Dad in my own father. I only wish I could give him the satisfaction of knowing how great a job he did, by demonstrating what I've learned along the way.

It's not that I'd change much about the decisions I've made in life - God knows I've grown tired of pursuing lost loves, repairing broken relationships & wondering what could have been. I just wish a few things turned out a bit differently here & there and that certain individuals I truly cared for weren't hurt along the way.

But whether it's meant to be or simply something that never will, I've come to grips with the reality of it all & I'm okay with whatever hand I'm dealt. I prefer to celebrate the accomplishments of others rather than dwell upon what I 'perceive' to be my own personal shortcomings in life. There's definitely enough hate in the world for everyone to have two-slices each. So I'll instead work on my recipe for love, support & nurturing, a dish that seems far more elusive nowadays.

So there are you are, another deep albeit, brief glimpse into the inner-workings of me; thanks for listening, think I'll have a drink now, lol...

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