Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Art of Compromise...

Compromise — A settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

Conflict — A disagreement between two or more people over values, needs, beliefs, perceptions, or expectations. It can lead to relational stalemates.

In the hours that passed between my falling asleep last night & awaking this morning, I learned something about myself. I'm not happy in any situation that requires me to over-compromise who I am (even on a rare basis) for any person who needs constant validation for what simply amounts to appropriate behavior & decorum.

Rewarding people for expected actions never really made much sense to me & I don't see how others can so easily sweep the complete & utter bullshit of others under the rug time & time, again. I'd also add that it really bothers me when people's apologies are always followed by a 'but.' The instant you attempt to justify your reasoning for doing whatever you've done, you've devalued the apology.

Sadly, I guess I don't possess the ability to ignore (for lack of better words) 'stupid shit' just for the sake of a friendship or relationship as I sometimes secretly wish I could be as forgiving (or ignorant) as those who are quite willing to compromise their ultimate happiness for a 'sense of general security.

What's even more interesting to me is how those, well-versed in the art of bullshit, actually think its you with the problem because you won't subscribe to their backward way of thinking. To me, the bottom line is when you're wrong, your excuse is unimportant, at best.

Anyone who openly decides they can't or won't change regardless of how others are impacted, must in the same line of thinking, be bold enough to accept that others reserve the right to walk away from what they perceive as a no-win situation. Any failure to recognize the validity in such a philosophy would certainly qualify as the quintessential double standard in my mind & I've been on both ends of the spectrum, so I'm definitely speaking from experience here.

Looking back, I can honestly say that anyone who chose to walk away from me completely in the past, did so for what was most likely a good reason & I'll never question it. Consequently, I've got no issue with doing the same to anyone who shows any similar lack of regard for the proper way to treat those whom they claim to care about.

We're all left with 2 options when dealing with people who maintain extremely stubborn and/or highly volatile states of mind. Either resign one's self to constant attack or defeat at the hands of a hypocrite, or remove one's self from the situation altogether, thereby eliminating any ill-fated destinies that would surely accompany yet another obscene compromise on your part.

The moment I lose confidence in your ability to demonstrate general reasoning skills, or (at the bare minimum) think logically, you've lost me. That being said, I'll leave you guys with a favorite quote of mine by the Roots. I found it to be very appropriate for this post:

"I'd die in a bed I laid, before I'd lay with a love I loathed."


  1. Hi Ghostwriter,

    You are a skilled writer, I have enjoyed reading your blog, you’re a really gifted brother!

    This blog reply is a last ditch effort to seek forgiveness and show an expression of love to someone very close to you. I fell in love with Cokey in a communication class at B.S.U. more than 10 years ago. He sat by me in class and asked me for a lemon cookie each day, those cookie requests spawned a special friendship. Needless to say we enjoyed each others company regularly, but things happened and we parted. We both got married and we both experienced painful, unexpected endings.


    In 2007 we reconnected, and although a significant amount of time had passed, we seemed to hit it off (probably because we were friends). Again things happened and we parted, unfortunately my “part” was vengeful, mean and down-right ugly----and for that I APOLOGIZE. At the time I had a list of excuses and justifications for Why I did it? The excuses ranged from “Standard Bitterness”, he messed over me so he deserved it; to “The Victim”, my ex-husband abused my daughter, I can’t get hurt again. After the natural passing of time I came to realize there was no excuse…I was WRONG. I spent the last two years trying to make amends, but some muff-ups you can‘t repair.

    Sooo…this is my last ditch effort…because I miss him

    Why do I feel this way??? Well…

    -He remembered the details of a ride home he received from my over-protective dad after 10 years (when he told me that story in 07’ it touched my heart and cracked me up all at the same time)

    -He loved to talk about his Grandma’s memory

    -He was proud of his family

    -He helped me with homework in undergrad and grad school (you know some assignments are busy work--what the heck are you teaching if each week a student is presenting a chapter)

    -He is intelligent, kind, humorous, politically opinionated, brutally honest and stubborn as a mule

    -He was self-conscious about his front hairline (that was funny to me because I could never see what he saw--but it was real)

    -He always fell asleep when I rubbed his head (get your mind out of the gutter)

    -His red-light game with the cat was hilarious (hopefully that cats’ reaction has changed, po’ kitty if he is still aggressively chasing the light)

    Anyway, enough reminiscing…

    Ultimately what do I want?? My friend back. (yeah…yeah gimme..gimme-- I am a little selfish)

    If that is not an option, I want him to know that I apologize, I love him and I wish him well.

    Thanks for the forum---it was therapeutic!

    “A” Last Ditch Effort

  2. Dear Anonymous: 1st off, thanx for taking the time to post a comment - many apologies for taking so long to respond. As far as the advice u seek, I'm not familiar with the situation, so I'm strictly sharing my opinion as an outsider, ignorant of any specifics.

    Ur correct in that sometimes relationships are indeed just too fucked up to repair - hopefully this isn't the case in ur situation, but it's a reality u must be prepared to accept. I'm assuming that u've sent text msgs, emails or letters expressing ur desire to resume the friendship.

    If so, I'm not sure what else there is that u can do. Whenever I been wronged by a companion, I too can be just as stubborn as a mule until I arrive at a point where I'm just too tired to be angry anymore, so perhaps being persistent is the correct approach if resuming the friendship is indeed ur true motive.

    But if ur maintaining the fantasy of resuming any romantic affairs, u might be setting urself up for even more disappointment. In regard to any future communication attempts, I'd recommend keeping ur expectations low (considering the apparent complexity of the situation) & speak from ur heart.

    Besides that, there's really no control u have over how the msg will be received, so try not to stress it. Should u desire, I'd be more than willing to share ur post with him, just say the word...